Pollyanna Rainbow Sunshine and the Needles of Doom

Lyda here. I really should finish teaching my Zombie Army the steps so we can get out on the road. There should be opportunities for dancing zombies, right? Unfortunately, we had to drop the tap number - their arms and legs kept falling off.

While waiting for the reattachments, I’ve had some unexpected time off to quilt and read, and of course to watch more TV and movies. Ya’ll know where this is going:

Movie reviews! I got two movies from the library and watched them over the weekend.

I watched “Damn Yankees” (1958.) Yes, I am a theater geek from way back, and I love musicals. Except for Tab Hunter as Joe, this fun version of Faust has the original Broadway cast, including Gwen Verdon as that vamp Lola who always gets what she wants, and Ray Walston as Applegate also known as the Devil - they both won Tony awards for these roles. Bob Fosse did the choreography, and performs a famous mambo number with Verdon. Fosse and Verdon were married, and she preferred working with him to any other choreographer. This is a fun romp in the ballpark, and the trademark Fosse dance moves are wonderful in every number.

ZOMBIE ALERT!

I also saw “Planet Terror” (2007). I saw the extended and unrated version, which was released as a 2-disc set, not the film as it was shown in theaters. I’m guessing that the version I saw has more nudity, and possibly more gore and extended gross moments. 

See, the bad guys release this experimental gas which mutates people into zombies when it touches them, and everyone the zombies come in contact with mutate, except some people are immune for some reason. As the infection spreads and more mutated zombies are created, the plot becomes more and more unreal. In a weird - and above all disgusting - way. Full plot and cast list here.

The film was directed by Robert Rodriguez (Sin City), and released theatrically as a double feature with Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof. Tarantino has a cameo as an infected soldier and gets to mutate in a particularly disgusting way. Yuck.  Rose McGowan stars as an exotic dancer who loses a leg to the zombies fairly early on. But it’s okay - she’s up and walking an hour later, because her former boyfriend and expert zombie fighter (played by Freddie Rodriguez) attaches a table leg to her stump, and later a modified M4 carbine and rocket launcher - which she can shoot at will. Somehow. Without pulling a trigger or anything. What? Does that seem far-fetched to anyone?  Bruce Willis plays the crazed Lt. Muldoon, and gets to chew the scenery in a couple of over-the-top scenes and then mutate. There are various other loonies and tough men and women - and lots and lots of zombies, shooting, explosions, and fires. Of course.

Some parts of the film were intentionally damaged to give it a 70’s grindhouse theater effect. At one point, a scene is interrupted with a ”Missing Reel” reel sign, and when the film continues, the plot has moved on. This is confusing but also kind of fun - if you are in the mood for this kind of weirdness.

Being in the mood for this movie is crucial for enjoying it. You have to suspend disbelief and just go with it all.

Zombie survival tip: During a zombie invasion, avoid hospitals.

And, apparently, barbeque restaurants. I guess your average zombie likes secret sauce as much as the next guy.

Which reminds me: Do not try to eat while watching this film. Don’t watch it right after a meal either, or plan on eating right after. Particularly barbeque. I may never eat barbeque again. Well, okay, not “never” but… for a while.

This film is definitely not for children, dogs, or anyone with a sensitive stomach. The unrated version at least is for adults only. Even I, your intrepid zombie reporter, had to look away from the screen rather a lot. But it’s not only the gore and extreme grossness that makes this inappropriate for teens; there is one rather explicit sex scene, an attempted rape, and pointless random deaths of a child and a dog.

On the Pollyanna West Zombie Scale, this film gets a 2 out of 5 Brains for Zombie Fun - and 5 out of 5 Brains for Gore. Plus - in a Pollyanna first - an additional 100 Brains for Grossness.

Hopefully, the next zombie movie won’t be this disgusting. I’ll be sure to let ya’ll know…