Pollyanna Rainbow Sunshine and the Needles of Doom

Lyda here. Today is Random Virtual Shopping Day!

Just because I can.

Wandering around the blogiverse, I came across a link to this blog - thanks, Marin! - which lead me to this shopping site.

I know a few people who really need these Gothic Drink Charms:

or maybe the Dia de los Muertos set.  And then there are my friends who need the black cat set, or the witches set. Although some people might prefer the Greek Muse drink charms. Or one of the Alice in Wonderland sets like this one, or the Wizard of Oz set, or…

She also has buttons and magnets - in case you are a mostly solitary wino like me   a tea totaller - and cards and jewelry. And awesome original artwork. Maybe it’s just as well someone beat me to this.

And speaking of shopping for skulls… Here’s some for your desktop. Feel free to add a coworker’s skull to the collection, of course. And here’s a shirt for Mondays (also appropriate for April 15th).

And what would virtual shopping be without zombies? No fun, that’s what! You can have your very own zombie friend to play video games with, just like Shaun.

And while you’re at it, get your own sonic screwdriver, just like the Doctor’s. Although a Tardis ice bucket would also come in handy, especially if you’re using those wine charms a lot.

And ya’ll probably need a Dalek bottle opener (scroll down, it’s there).

Of course, the day after all that drinking, you might need to wear this.

I’m just a Smeghead, what can I say?

Lyda here. And yes, I am a bitch.

Canine version, that is.

Your family is what makes you tick, and you never “flea” from an opportunity to hang out with the whole gang. A family picnic complete with hot dogs, deviled eggs and a refreshing swim in the lake is hard for you to stray from. Your sparky temperament and dogged intelligence mean you are not only a blast to hang out with, but great to work with as well. Your close pals appreciate your patience and forgiveness, knowing you’d rather let sleeping dogs lie than dwell on the mishaps of the past. Your dashing good looks may one day lead to a modelling career, if only you can tame the unfortunate clumsiness that sometimes causes you to go flailing from the catwalk.

I found this quiz link on The Dust Bunnies Will Wait. See, ya’ll? Leave a comment, I’ll read your blog and link to it. Not that I’m obsessed with the blogiverse or anything… hrumph.

And speaking of knit blog - which I belive this is - ya’ll have to check out this post. Looks like it was made for Martha Graham, doesn’t it?

And how deep was the snow the winter this person knit this??

But this one makes me laugh. Yukon, ho!! Also, I direct your twelvenesses to her use of the phrase “pattern porn”. Yes, “twelvenesses” is a word. Yes, it is too. Oh, hush.

And ya’ll might get a chuckle from this, over at Susan the Shepherd’s blog for Martha’s Vineyard Fiber Farm. A great place to get your RDA of adorable fiber animal pictures. See? More fiber on the hoof - and dogs too.

AND IN TODAY’S ZOMBIE NEWS:

Zombie catepillars! Weird science… Lucky we have If You Were a Zombie.com to keep us up on this important news. Be sure to check out their line of zombie e-cards and check the blog for more. 

And finally, a candidate my Zombie Army can really get behind… shuffle behind, of course:

Zombie Lincoln for President!

Lyda here. Yeah, I thought that post title would get ya’ll to read. It made the Zombie Army laugh. At least, I think that was laughter…

Okay, join me in some hump day madness, won’t you? #6 & #10 are from my own demented mind.

1.) First, check out Best. Meme. Ever. at Faith’s blog. She’s got links to the origin of this awesome meme. Funny stuff!

I would draw a zombie saying: “Must… have… internet… traditionsssssssssss….”  But I can’t figure out how to get it into the post. So just imagine, okay?

2.) What could be better for a hump day than killing zombies? And other free games to while away the endless afternoon…

And in Zombie News from around the globe:

3.) If I were in Atlanta, I would go see this zombie musical.

4.) While we were knitting in public, the zombies were taking over Australia. But politely. Look out, it’s the Dunny Brush of Doom!

5.) Hey, why not both at once? Next June 14th: the Zombie Knitter Uprising!

6.) The big problem with being a zombie knitter?

Yeah.

Blood on the yarn.

7.) Here’s a video tribute to zombies and the people who kill them. How many of these movies have you seen? Warning: Graphic violence.

8.) Check out Otto, a gay zombie looking for love. And flesh. Not necessarily in that order. Warning: This movie trailer is explicit and gory; definitely NOT suitable for work.

Ya’ll thought I was kidding about the humping part?

9.) For a more intellectual approach to zombies, read this. Or this - Warning! plot spoilers for “The Happening”.

10.) Why does it take zombie knitters longer to finish a project?

Wait for it…

 Zombie knitters drop their balls.

Lyda here. As if ya’ll didn’t already know…

I completed another book for Pollyanna’s Reading in Wonderland Challenge.

I’m going to count this for Challenge #1: ‘…at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’  Read a fiction book in a genre you don’t usually read. 

That quote really fits the book I just finished, “Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders” by Neil Gaiman, who wrote “Good Omens” with Terry Pratchett.

A book of short stories and a few poems, these tales are… odd and twisted. In a good and slightly creepy way.

I don’t usually read books of short stories. Either I don’t like all the stories but I feel compelled to plow through them all - or I really like them and feel a sense of loss when each story is done.

But Neil Gaiman is a master. Each story is complete and is exactly the right length for what it is. They vary from one page to a 56-page novella. At the end of each story, I automatically put the book down and let the story sink in.

I also don’t usually read books of… horror? I don’t quite know what to call these. There are monsters, vampires, and zombies. ZOMBIES! There are aliens and creatures from mythology.

Some of the stories/poems are funny as hell. Some are quite disturbing, not in a blood-and-guts way, but in a psychological way.

They defy categorization. In these stories, myths are true and the modern world is a bizarre and alien landscape. No one and nothing can be taken for granted.

I think “The Day The Saucers Came” is my favorite. Or “October in the Chair.” Or “Bitter Grounds.” Or “How to Talk to Girls at Parties.” Or “Forbidden Brides of the Faceless Slaves in the Secret House of the Night of Dread Desire.” Isn’t that an awesome title?  Or maybe…

I can’t choose my favorite. And that’s the way it should be.

There are zombies in several of the stories, but I’m not telling you which ones. You should find out for yourself.

On the Pollyanna Zombie Review scale, I give it 5 out of 5 brains for great storytelling and excellent writing, and a 1/2 brain out of 5 brains for gore and violence. Highly recommended.

See how much I liked it? Not a digression in the whole post.

Oh wait, is this…? 

Damn.

Got to go. The Zombie Army wants me to read their favorite of the stories to them. Again.

Lyda here. It’s Hump Day - time for a Random Weirdness post. Today it’s:

TOTALLY RANDOM WEIRDNESS

1.) Drunken weirdness: Dude. This is not the way to get more fiber.

2.) Lone Star weirdness: This one’s for all us Texans.

3.) Blue weirdness: They are making a live action Smurf movie. Really. Why??? Fifty years, and there’s still only one female. Her dance card must be full… if ya’ll know what I mean…

4.) Historical weirdness: Check out this modern Trojan Horse  from “The Chaser” - these guys are crazy, but in a very funny way.

5.) Deadly weirdness: The Grim Reaper looks for work. Another gem from “The Chaser”. The Resident Sith Master and I spent at least an hour watching videos from “The Chaser.”  This Pollyanna will go to any lengths to bring ya’ll the weirdness.

6.) Food weirdness: Want melon? Got $6000? So many jokes, the mind boggles…

Also: This is probably not where you want to go on a first date. I’m just saying…

7.) Work weirdness: With competition like this, I should have a job in no time, right?

8.) Shopping weirdness: Because everyone needs their own remote-control zombie. And a R2D2 pepper mill. To go with our new salt pigs. Lick the salty pig! Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

And we all need a duct tape purse. And skull and crossbones ice cubes. Arr, maties!

9.) Weird pig fun: Check out this smart pig. Feel the piggie love! Hint: Do not google “pig love” at work. But that video link is safe for work and kids. Trust Pollyanna.

10.) And finally, because Mom would have loved it:
more cat pictures

Lyda here. I’m waiting for word on possible temporary assignments for me,  so ya’ll keep your fingers crossed for me, ‘kay?  Yeah, I’m still Desperately Seeking Work.

Writer. Artist. Teacher. Office Manager. Organizer Extraordinare. Hard to believe employers aren’t banging down my door, isn’t it? But so far, only the Zombie Army is at the door. And they don’t care about my mad skillz. They just love me for my brain. And my heart.

Maybe my liver…

But I digress…

Of course, one day I won’t need to earn a living. The Resident Sith Master will be absolute ruler of the world, which will make me Grand Empress Dowager  and then I will live in the lavish style to which I would like to become accustomed.

But I digress again…

I named this post from the Disney film “Freaky Friday” which I would have sworn starred Hayley Mills. Who is one of my favorite actresses, and not just because she did “Pollyanna” the year I was born. And I would post a picture of her, thus ensuring future hits, but I can’t figure out how to get it posted. Curses and swearwords! Another freaky thing!

Best Hayley Mills line ever? “Listen! I have the most scathingly brilliant idea!” –as Mary in “The Trouble with Angels” (1966).

But it was not Hayley Mills, it was Jodie Foster in the 1976 ”Freaky Friday“. If I could be wrong about this, what else do I not know that I think I know???  Freaky, ya’ll.

They did a 2003 “Freaky Friday” remake with Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan. I wonder what the book is like…? The author wrote the 1976 screenplay. Digressing again…

At least I got some sleep last night. Ya’ll have no idea what a relief that is, after several weeks of waking up every two hours. At least, I hope ya’ll don’t know what that’s like.  I didn’t sleep through the night, but I was able to fall back asleep when I did wake up. Ya’ll, I’ve even stopped drinking caffeine!  I don’t have trouble falling asleep; I just don’t stay asleep. The medical opinion is that it’s stress. If I won the lottery or otherwise received large amounts of cash, the stress would go away. Hello, Goddess of Money, are you listening??

Anyway, I’m having a freaky day. It started with the shower. Our shower is currently draining really slowly, so I’m taking really fast showers, which is weird for me. I’m saving water, at least. Looking on the bright side… Hey, they don’t call me Pollyanna for nothing!

Today, while in the shower, I heard a weird glugging noise. When I got out of the shower, I noticed that there was water in the (separate) bathtub. Very dirty water. Not water from my shower. Backed-up sewer water. Yuck.  Using the shower made water back up into the bathtub. Not good.  So, we need a plumber. Hey, Mario!

The next freaky thing - I got a call about a possible temporary assignment. The agency asked me if I know how to do “vlookup” in Excel. Huh? Now, I’m pretty darn good on Excel, ya’ll, but I had no idea what they were talking about. I don’t have Excel on my computer, so I got gussied up in my work clothes and went down to the agency. Where I took an Excel test which I aced - which did not mention “vlookup”. So I took another Excel test, which I also aced. Nope, no “vlookup.” While I was there, I took tests on Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable, because they said they get a lot of call for that. I did well on them too. I talked on the phone to someone who knew what “vlookup” was. Turns out, it’s a formula in Excel.

Then I headed for home, and played with this formula on the spreadsheet program on my computer (it’s not Excel, it only plays Excel on my computer). So now I know what the formula does, and sort of how to do it. What I don’t know is, why? Why would you use this formula? Anyone out there know?

Anyway, that was freaky for little Miss Software Expert…

While I was waiting for the phone call about the assignment, I remembered that I had a doctor’s appointment. So I hustled off there. The blood tests he ordered a week ago? Came back normal (eliminating a host of not-good illnesses). But we still don’t know why I can’t breathe well, or why the medicine isn’t helping, or why I have chest pain. So, of course, he ordered more tests. One next week, the other a week later.

Why do I never get anything easy to diagnose? It’s like my body is playing some weird kind of Jeopardy. I’ll take “Mystery Ailments” for $2000, Alex.  My body is freaky.

So I’ve got that going for me.

On the way home, I stopped at the bank and deposited some checks and asked for my balance. Not really freaky, but disappointing.

So, I’ll be having a garage sale next weekend. I’d do it this weekend, but RSM is at his dad’s house, and I need his help. Which gives me this weekend to search out lots of things to sell. I’m tempted to sell everything not nailed down, but I’m sure RSM will restrain me from selling anything important.

Like video games.

Or the sewing machine.

The cat.

My fiber stash.

Ya’ll know. The essentials.

For now, I’m going to open a bottle of wine and turn on the tube and watch something freaky.

Have a scathingly brilliant weekend, ya’ll.

Lyda here. We need a Random Weirdness post, because it’s Wednesday, and because it’s June… 

“…June, June, June,   Just because it’s June!   June!   June!” 

Sorry about that. The theater geekiness never goes away; it just morphs into sudden bursts of song for no apparent reason. And other weird digressions…

Before we get to today’s Random Weirdness, a few blogiverse items:

1.) Most importantly, go over to Frank’s blog and post a comment that’s funny / cheerful / supportive. A joke, a link to a silly site. We love you, Frank! Get well!

2.) As your reward, go over to Crazy Aunt Purl and enter the contest to win a stack of books from Laurie! How generous I am to tell ya’ll about this, as I’ve entered the contest myself (she had me at “free books”). Now ya’ll know how much Pollyanna loves ya.

3.) So ya’ll can plan ahead: Saturday, June 14th is World Wide Knit In Public Day. That link is the official site; you can find a KIP near you, or host a KIP - even a virtual KIP. Ya’ll, I can’t take credit for knowing about this in advance this year - I read about it here on diknit’s blog.

Post a comment and tell us where you will be knitting in public!

And let us know if ya’ll want us to host a Hermit’s Virtual KIP here at Pollyanna’s. Virtual sweet tea, virtual cake, and the Zombie Army! Awesome! Actually, Anna-Liza will probably be KIP for real, so I might be on my own on this one.

Okay, on to the Random Weirdness:

1.) Toy Vault makes Princess Bride toys - every girl’s dream, a Dread Pirate Roberts of her very own! They make Monty Python stuff : Tim the Enchanter hats! The Black Knight, with detachable limbs! And for the final touch for Marin’s desk - a Rabbit with Big Pointy Teeth stapler! Here’s where to buy their stuff.  No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

2.) Zombie cats!

3.) Actually EFFECTIVE tech support! Heh.

4.) How do you know you’ve had enough to drink? Now.

5.) Among recent searches that lead people to our blog, there was the usual: “Bruce Willis”, “heathers”, variations on “pollyanna” and “rainbow”.

There was the slightly unusual: “zombie movies domesticated”  - what, they don’t like wild zombies??

And there was the uber cool: “cosmic”. I love that you can find us by searching for “cosmic”. That’s how cool the Pollyannas are, ya’ll!

6.) And finally, does someone want to explain it to this guy? Anyone? Anyone?

Lyda here. Enough whining. Let’s get straight to the serial killers.

Sunday I watched “Scream 2” on TV. It was okay, and sometimes pretty funny. I haven’t seen the original. The sequel starts at a movie theater - one of the original characters having written a book about the experiences shown in the first movie, which was then made into a movie. Following so far? The movie-within-a-movie gives the killer a chance to strike two people down in a theater full of teenagers wearing masks just like the killer’s and carrying fake knives. Which was actually funny in a sick and twisted kind of way. “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.”

I suspect that more than the language had been altered for TV. The original might be gorier, but this version wasn’t gory at all. I didn’t think it was scary either. Maybe because I was watching in the afternoon, with The Dread Cat Tommy guarding me - it counts as guarding when he’s curled up sleeping next to me on the couch, right? - and my sewing machine humming away. Or it may be that they had cut the scarier parts out - certainly there were fewer shots of the dead bodies than one would expect. Maybe it was just the stupid mask the killer wears - hard to be afraid of that.

Maybe it’s because this movie is very aware of itself as a movie. It’s a scary movie that’s a send-up of scary movies. And that makes it much less scary.

Or it may be that my zombie movie watching has toughened me up, made me less scared of stuff of the screen. Plus, I watch “Bones” and “CSI” and such now. Certainly, I am less freaked out by scary screen conventions - bodies, grotesque deaths, killers leaping out at their victims - than I used to be. Or maybe it’s just that real life seems scarier right now than any movie could be… but let’s not go there…

And so often the victims are hard to sympathize with. They do such dumb things - Have you noticed? Of course you have - that I just feel like smacking them.

“I’m alone, and there’s a weird noise coming from upstairs. Think I’ll go investigate.” If the character - who is always female - is wearing a see-through nightie and carrying a candle rather than a weapon, so much the better.

As for the male characters, as the body count rises, it just makes them want sex. ”All of our friends are disappearing one by one. Let’s go skinny dipping in the lake.” Is it a life-affirming drive? “I know your best friend and your parents have just been horribly murdered. Let’s get it on. It will make you feel better. No, really it will, baby.”

I did see another movie this weekend - some stupid movie of the week, I don’t even know the name, it was pretty lame. Toward the end, the woman trips and falls with a hurt leg - the other major “woman in peril” cliche - but at least in this movie, it turns out - she’s faking. The killer leans over her and she stabs him really hard with a spiky garden tool and then runs away. 

It was the best part of the movie, really, other than the actor who played her dad (of course the killer had taken out the dad early - my favorite character is always the first to die). Also, the killer kept seeing his wife (whom he had murdered before the movie started) and having conversations with her which was weird especially in my three-hours-of-sleep, zombie-like state. The conversations with the dead wife is what clues our heroine in that this new “perfect” man in her life is totally gonzo.

Wisdom from scary movies: If a guy seems way too perfect, he probably is. If someone seems crazy, they probably are.

In other words: Suspect everybody. Because any and all of them can be insane killers. Even if - especially if - the actor/actress is known for comedy sidekick roles.

And remember the Third Rule: Never, ever, under any circumstances assume that the killer is dead.

Really, I prefer zombies to serial killers.

For one thing, they can’t really pretend to be a friendly helpful neighbor. The walk gives them away. And the rotting flesh, that’s a hint too.

You always know who they are. The brain eating is another big clue.

And they never seduce their victims. Ewww.

Lyda here. Way past time for a Random Weirdness post. This one is more random than most.

The Random Weirdness of Humans - Purely Random Edition

1. Star Trek Weirdness: Ya’ll have to check this out. Listen to the audio, but - and I cannot emphasize this enough - NOT at work. Or with little ears around.

Now ya’ll can’t wait, right?

And hey, how could I miss a chance to link to Darth Mojo?

But I digress…

2. Real-life Zombie Weirdness: Watch this report. Freaky. This is the reason they used to put bells on graves, ya’ll.

3. Pig-Licking Weirdness: Pigs aid police. Can I resist the “pigs helping pigs” reference?

Apparently not.

4. Turkey Justice Weirdness: Even turkeys want their day in court. I told ya’ll about turkeys before.

5. Great Granny Weirdness: This 96-year-old can’t ride sixty-five. Having your kids buy you an Indy 500 ride? Priceless. Go Granny go!

Sorry, ya’ll, that’s all the weirdness I have time for right now. Time to head off for some weirdness of my own.

Lyda here. Like ya’ll didn’t know that from the use of the word “zombie.”

Now Ravelry can be an inspiration for your zombie attack preparation. See? In case you don’t have access to Ravelry, and the lurching hordes have already made off with your copy of The Zombie Survival Guide, I shall summarize.

Your plan might look like this:

1 - Stock up on vital supplies of food, water, and of course, yarn.

Don’t forget a Zombie Survival Kit like this; The AntiCrafter’s got it covered.

Note flying pig on that second link! Check out the weird pig stuff and lots of other pig fun in issue #11: ”Unclean (the bacon issue).” Where else would you learn to make your own Bacon of Hate?  This issue is at least a week’s worth of pig licking.

Also, I so need the book!

But I digress…

2 - Do your research. There are lots of training films out there, many of which I’ve reviewed. Just scroll down to “search” and type in “zombie”.  And a lot more films out there.

Gather trusty people to watch your back. You might want to include a few people you don’t like, so you have someone to throw to the zombies while the rest of you run away.

And keep an eye on them. Anyone can be turned.

3 - Arm yourselves. Guns don’t have to be designer versions - spend your money on extra ammo instead. Crossbows are good because you can recover the bolts and reuse them. Eww.  Axes, bats and shovels are good for close work. DPNs would require a lot of precision but might be useful as a last line of defense.

4 - Barricade yourself somewhere safe. You might be there for some time. Thus the need for yarn.

You might consider hiding out in your LYS.

Or a pub, which worked for Shaun. Kinda. BBQ joints are not recommended.

5 - Be ready to flee for your lives. Preferably in one of these. Head into the mountains and wait for the cold to kill the zombies. Finally, a reason to head to Colorado!

6 - Be ready to pretend to blend in. Like this.

7 - Watch out for animals. They can become zombies too. Scary fiber, kids!

Which reminds me:

But I digress again…

7 - Aim for the head.

And finally…

8 - If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

We all have days when we want to eat our coworkers’ brains, anyway. Right?