I’m still scrambling to find the funding for the second year of my master’s program. Because my credit is… not healthy (let’s face it, it’s on life support and the clan has gathered.), I cannot get a normal student or other kind of loan.
Keep your needles and fingers crossed for me, ya’ll. Deadline’s coming up.
I love what I am learning. I love the way I’m growing and healing through this amazing program. I love my classmates. I love the instructors and assistants. I’m excited about going forward. I’m thrilled that they want me back, that I have excellent grades and the drive and flair for this. I’m beginning to see a glimmering of a future, five years down the road, that is so different than what I saw before.
I want to be there in October, when my class gathers again, and I want to be there each month for class. I want to do my homework (I know, I’m seriously ill, what can I say?). I want to walk across the stage next August and get my diploma.
I want it. I want it for myself above almost everything else. (Not above my son, or Tommy the cat. Not above any of my loved ones. Ya’ll know what I mean.)
I ache for it.
As the Resident Sith Master and others have pointed out…
I do not NEED it.
I need oxygen, water, food, and shelter. The Resident Sith Master and his furry Sith Apprentice also need these things.
(Fortunately for the budget, the oxygen is free. So far. Unfortunately for the budget, shelter in Southern California is very expensive, even for those of us at the low end of the renting scale.)
In order to provide these things for my little family, I need to work. (Tried the not working. Didn’t work. So, it’s off to work I go. At least until I win the lottery or find someone willing to provide for us.)
Everything else? Everything else is a preference, not a need.
Like, I prefer to have electricity and heat. I prefer to breath clean air and eat nourishing food. I prefer to have books to read, to have a bit of yarn to knit, to spend time with friends. (I know, ya’ll are shocked that yarn actually falls into the category of “preference” not “need.” The Universe is a weird place, ya’ll. Haven’t you been reading your Terry Pratchett?)
But some of our desires can come true, right? Sometimes we get what we want, even when we can’t see how it’s going to happen… right?
Or am I just being a Pollyanna here? (Oh right, the title of the blog… Damn!)
Sometimes, if we really put our desires out there, make them really clear, the Universe says, “YES!”
I would really really prefer to continue my graduate studies this year.
Is that clear enough?
Are you listening, Universe?!?!