Pollyanna and the Weirdness of Humans: Menz edition

Lyda here. It’s Tuesday, so it’s time for our weekly edition of the Weirdness of Humans. This week, including a recent TRUE STORY (see #9) : the Weirdness of Menz.

1) When I was in college, my mom and I used to go out and drink and talk about menz. Mom was the coolest, just as my BFF. (If you can find her… She seems to be MIK. That’s Missing in Knitting, ya’ll. But I digress…)

One night I was bemoaning the strange behavior of one of the menz in my life. Such bemoaning being a recurrent theme in our conversations, as you might suspect. Even a leif motif. Possibly an entire forest motif.

Mom said, “I spend so many years trying to figure men out. I thought it was something I could figure out logically. And then one day, the answer came to me:

MEN ARE WEIRD.

And since then, I haven’t worried about it.”

See, I told you she was cool!

2) Real Men Shed Tears: Why It’s All Right to Cry. This article is well-written and touching. It is not weird.

It’s that there are still men who think it’s unmanly to cry and don’t let themselves do it until they are over 50. That’s weird, ya’ll.

3) Man on quest to find best chicken wings and making a documentary about the experience. Weird. However, a woman on a quest to corner the fuzzy crack market is absolutely normal.

4) Arm-wrestling game recalled in Japan because men broke their arms wrestling with it. No women were injured. Why a mechanical arm-wrestling machine in the first place?

5) Man rides mule from Minnesota to Wyoming looking for work. It took him six weeks. When he got there, someone insulted his mule. He turned around and headed back.

Six weeks. On a mule.

6) So, if you are a man on the lam from the law, what do you do? Apparently go skinnydipping and get arrested again. New definition of laying low… (yes, I am 12.)

7) This one is for Wonderful but Available Engineer because there’s a moose in it however peripherally. It sounds like a stand-up joke:

So, a man goes looking for a moose and finds a wife.

Man goes moose hunting with two other menz. Men see a bear. Men shoot at Bear. Bear  mauls Man. Man almost dies. Man proposes to Girlfriend of 10 years and mother of his two children.

Too bad the bear couldn’t be best man… er… mammal…

8.) And this, which isn’t that weird, just good marketing, but has topless firemenz in it. (I know my audience.)

9) Recent REAL LIFE STORY, as promised:

On Saturday, a young half-naked menz magically appeared at my doorstep. (No, I was not dreaming. No, I was not drinking. No, I was not hallucinating due to homework overload. Shut up, this really happened.)

He was a construction worker, wearing long shorts and no shirt, and looking pretty good that way. He was involved in the Dreaded Fence Demolition, and he carelessly wandered into my lair  walked onto my patio.

And proceeded to make passes at me.

No, really! I have a witness and everything!

Now, ya’ll, I’m not sayin’ that I’m not deserving of passes from attractive menz. However, this particular day, I was about as far from alluring as it is possible to be. I was wearing ugly shorts (thus displaying my zaftig thighs and my Map-Of-The-Universe vericose veins) and a stained tank top (thus baring my zaftig upper arms). My hair (usually one of my best features) was pulled up on top of my head any old way. In other words, I was in “never allow anyone to ever ever ever see me like this or I will have to kill them” mode.

This young, cute, well-built, barely-dressed construction worker asked me my name. He asked what I was doing later. He asked if I drink, and what I like to drink, and several other drinking-related questions. He may have been already drinking himself, which might explain a lot. And which is scary, considering he was demolishing things with his hammer.

He volunteered that he was single, and liked to drink (but only a little, he assured me). He wasn’t doing anything after work, what was I doing tonight? How about tomorrow? He said I was nice, and cute, and sweet.

He kept moving closer and closer to me, and touching my upper arm. He wasn’t deflected by the fact that a friend was coming over soon, or by my mention of my teenage son, or by my age (he asked me, I told him the truth, and he didn’t care). He wasn’t deflected by my moving away from him or… well, anything.

If his boss hadn’t called over the fence asking him what the hell he was doing (in Spanish, but I understood the gist), he’d probably still be trying to pick me up.

He came back again later and flirted with me some more. (My friend and classmate, the Joyful Poet, had arrived by this time to hold my hand during the Endless Homework Ordeal. I told you I have a witness!) Through the screen door. Until his boss yelled at him again.

But I looked like crap, ya’ll. WTF???

10) I always seem to be extremely attractive to menz at inappropriate times, and in inappropriate places.

Often inappropriately young menz. Often drunk menz. If I was working the wharf, I’d make a fortune off the sailors, ya’ll. Don’t think I haven’t considered it. But I digress again…

Here are some examples of times I have attracted Inappropriate Attention from Menz:

* Standing in line at the portable toilet cans at the Ren Fair, a completely unknown man caught me unaware and kissed me. It may have been the low-cut costume I was wearing. Or the alcohol in his bloodstream. I hadn’t been drinking, and I kinda had a buzz afterwards, but it wasn’t that great a kiss…

* The orderlies and male nurses flirted with me while I was on a gurney in the emergency room. Or maybe I just thought those guys were flirting with me because of the drugs? You can’t blame me: cute, employed, and willing to give me drugs. I’ve had worse relationships, ya’ll. As Anna-Liza knows all too well.

* A menz flirted with me while I was sitting in the bleachers at a high school football game. Next to my ex-husband who scowled and snarled the whole time. We were listening to my son play the trumpet. My SuperMom hearing enables me to hear his trumpet over the screams of the crowd and the rest of the band. Even when I sit next to the drum section. Shut up, I can so hear him. 

The man in question followed me to the ladies room to continue flirting with me. Okay, he gets points for hutzpah, I’ll grant you that.

But his wife wasn’t amused.

… 2, 3, 4… and then there was the time…

I’ve had menz ask me to marry them after dancing with me for 30 seconds. Okay, I like to think I’m a good dancer, but dude!

I’ve had menz proposition me in the SAME SENTENCE as telling me how horrible their ex-wife is. Sometimes while dancing with me.

I had a menz try to get to second base on a date while telling me that it was nice to be with a woman who’s thighs did not make him want to throw up. Ah, those honeyed words…

I’ve had menz try to pick me up at the laundromat, in the return line at Target…

and at the bank. When he was the teller. I’m not sure I could date someone who has complete access to my banking account. The mind reels.

Inevitably, these menz do not met even minimal Dating Material Criteria.

Minimal Dating Material Criteria being: single, able to put together a semi-coherent sentence, single, not falling over drunk, single, old enough to leave home without borrowing the car from their dad…

Did I mention single?

Married menz flock to me. I have gotten so I can find out within 10 minutes if they are lying about being divorced. Hint: If they still live in the same house, they are not even separated. Sort of a litmus test I developed.

Incredibly young men flock to me. And I’m not talking “have a fling with a man 10 or 15 years younger” young which I could totally be up for, I’m just saying, ya’ll.

I’m talking, “are you sure you’re old enough to buy liquor?” young. I am not Mrs. Robinson, ya’ll. But apparently the young menz think I am.

I am not interested in married menz, or menz young enough to be my son. Yet they flock to me. And the menz who met Minimim Dating Material Criteria are mysteriously absent…

Except in the emergency room… or is that the drugs? But I digress…

It could be that I’m putting out some strange mystical vibe. Or maybe some not so strange, not so mystical vibe. (And yes, it could be that I am not going to the correct places to meet the right menz. I’m workin’ on that, ya’ll.)

But I prefer my mom’s explanation.

Men are weird.

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9 thoughts on “Pollyanna and the Weirdness of Humans: Menz edition

  1. Red

    I think dating is how the diving amuses itself. Like reality TV for God or something. It’s the only way that makes dating bearable, to think that at least somewhere I might be endearing myself to some cosmic being who was having a really bad day until they saw my date.

    Reply
  2. lyda Post author

    Wow, Red, that explains EVERYTHING! And at least I get some good stories out of it, which is of course a driving force in my life.

    Reply
  3. annaliza

    If they’re old enough to legally drink, they’re old enough to date. Just don’t think about what year they were born. And the married men thing is just the weirdest thing–it’s true, I’ve seen it, but I can’t figure it out at all.

    Reply
  4. Marin

    1) I feel your pain, my sister (or future-sis-in-law). I think my pheromones are trying to kill me. Or muck up the gene pool. I’m developing a theory (even as we speak) about alien life forms toying with our pheromonal attraction in order to Darwinistically alter the state of our planet so they can turn us into their own personal Disneland.

    2) Moose? Future Husband likes MOOSE? It just gets better and better… say, do you think he’d dress (or undress) like a fireman?

    Reply
  5. lyda Post author

    Anna-Liza: The age thing, I admit, is my own hangup. But seriously, men in their 20s only inspire my maternal instinct (and I always think they are really looking for Momma, not a partner). I need one of those Disneyland signs: “You must be at least 30 to ride this ride.” (snort)

    Marin:
    1) So, the aliens are in on the Wicked Dating Gods plans? Makes sense to me.

    2) Yes, moose. He used to send me little SuperMoose cartoons instead of letters.

    And I would not venture to guess about the fireman thing, although he does wear suspenders on occasion…

    Reply
  6. lyda Post author

    Well, yes, Jane, obviously we need to hang out! (And I don’t just say that so I can get my mitts on some of your handmade Halloween plunder.) Where are you again?

    But, but… these menz are not suitable for us! We deserve better menz! Single menz! Growd-up menz!

    Reply

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