Pollyanna and the Weekly Random Weirdness, Late Night Movie Edition

Lyda here. Our Tuesday “Weekly Random Weirdness” is happening on a Friday this week. Which tells you all you need to know about how my week is going, really.

Ya’ll. Seriously. Glass Cubicles R Us has taken it out of me. I need relief. I need fun.

I need a drink and a gorgeous man to bring it to me.

Instead, a diversion. First, a little entertainment news.

Here are some new movie releases you may not have heard of (actually these are weird news stories, the movie titles are mine):

1) So-Not-Speed. At least this pharmacy thief doesn’t seem to be taking uppers.

2) Night of the Living Turtles. Or maybe “Invasion of the Snapping Turtles”. They’re coming to your flower bed…. bwahaha… Hey, every list needs cute baby animals!

3) Crash 2007: The Chicken’s Revenge. Explaining it to the insurance company: “You see, I lost control when I hit the patch of chicken guts.” Funny because no one was hurt, ya’ll. Except the chickens, but they were dead long before this happened. Hey, Zombie Chicken Guts! Um, maybe not.

Now, on to the Main Feature. Thanks to my theft  the inspiration from this list of worst movies titles ever, I am proud to present:

Pollyanna’s List of Truly Terrifically Terrible Movies! (not in any particular order really, and not the 10 worst either, just what struck my fancy today…)

Yes, these are actual movies! Rush right out and rent them! No, I’m not even going to mention Ishtar, not with gems like these around:

Honorable Mention: Coxblocker (projected release 2009), starring Topher Grace and Lindsay Lohen. Such a terrible title, it gets on the list even though it hasn’t been made yet! Plus, take the kids! I mean, Lindsay! What a role model! Run, Topher, run!

10)  Psycho Beach Party (2000) Because we need to go to the beach and hang out with a psycho neurotic killer named Chicklet and her cool surfer friends! Righteous, dudes!

9) Plan 9 from Outer Space (1958) Often chosen as the worst movie of all time by critics and moviegoers alike. The plot makes no sense at all. Plus, Bela Lugosi died during the making of this one, so director Ed Wood (a serious contender for Worst Director of All Time) just put his dentist in the cape, and voila – instant Dracula. Uh, why is that vampire suddenly a foot taller? The perception-altering substance of your choice helps with this one. I’ve heard it is even funnier when you are stoned. Not that I would know from personal experience…

9) The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here! (1972) Dude, get your priorities straight. We’ve got werewolves, who cares about the rats?? I haven’t seen this one, but the title! Snort!

8.) The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966) Boris Karloff proves that what a great actor really needs is a great agent!

7) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Because every list needs a holiday movie.

6) The Terror Of Tiny Town (1938) Actual quote from the narration at the start of the film: “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages, we’re going to present for your approval a novelty picture with an all midget cast, the first of it’s kind ever to be produced. I’m told that it has everything. That is, everything that a western should have. It’s a soul stirring drama, a searing saga of the sagebrush, and it’s called ‘The Terror of Tiny Town.'” I saw this at a “World’s Worst Movies” film festival. It was the only film at the festival that people walked out of. Including me.

5) Pokemon: The First Movie (1999) Missed by most reviewers, but definitely on my personal list. Greater love hath no parent than to sit through this movie… I’m lucky the Resident Sith Master stopped reading the blog…

4) The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzaii Across the 8th Dimension (1984) Big stars, totally senseless quasi-science, stupid dialogue – what’s not to love?

3) Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989). Having “avocado” in the title pushed it to #2 on my list, even though I’ve never seen it. Crazy Aunt Purl is not the only one with dangerous produce! Scary, kids! Which of course leads us to

2) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1980) Classic “human versus fruit” conflict at its finest. “Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato.”

1) The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964) I’ve never seen this one, but you know my #1 worst title has to have zombies in it! Check out this review.

If you love bad movies, you absolutely must check out Badmovies.org , “A website to the detriment of good film,” winner of the Prestigous Dead Rabbit Award “for bravely supporting the movies we are ashamed to love.” Andrew Borntreger, I am now stalking you!

I love the “What I Learned from this Movie” section of each review, such as this important advice:

Girls: Never try to get intimate with some guy carrying a electric charge.

I wonder how he missed reviewing “The Dark Half”… maybe the budget was too big…

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5 thoughts on “Pollyanna and the Weekly Random Weirdness, Late Night Movie Edition

  1. lyda Post author

    I like “Buckaroo Banzai” too; it’s just plain goofy fun. You know I love bad movies, especially sci-fi and thrillers. “There have been multiple monster sightings, and three of our friends have mysteriously disappeared. Let’s go skinny dipping in the lake.”

    But no one should have to sit through “Pokemon the Original Movie.”

    And then there are ones that are just embarassing (like “Terror of Tiny Town”) or painfully boring (like “Pokemon”)

    Reply
  2. Marin

    Apparently, my love of Buckaroo Banzai doesn’t necessarily sway the votes of reviewers of bad movies.

    And I watched “Psycho Beach Party” in horrified fascination.

    Do you suppose it’s a bad sign that I’ve seen just about all these movies?

    Check this out — you’ll have new respect for “Plan 9 from Outer Space.”

    http://www.williamlbryan.com/blog9.html

    Reply
  3. lyda Post author

    Marin, I checked out the link – I need more napkins to wipe up the diet soda I spilled laughing so hard.

    Fact that you have seen almost all of these movies: not bad. Fact that you and BFF are on the other side of Evil Pointy Mountains so we cannot watch them together and throw popcorn at tv: truly bad.

    Reply

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