Pollyanna fights the Monday of Peril

Lyda here.

“Reasons to Run Amok” de Jour (Yes, another list, shut up, it’s keeping my hair from being eaten):

1) Neighbors. This morning, one of my neighbors had a screaming fit trying to get one of her kids into the car. He was screaming back. She was running late for work and for getting them to school on time. She is usually a very quiet neighbor and is a good mom. It was just One of Those Days for her. Their Morning From Hell crashed into my Morning From Hell.

And leads us to…

2) Motherhood. I never feel like I’ve got the mom thing down, ya know? No matter what, there is always the nagging feeling that I could be, should be doing more. The feeling that some day my kid will be on the couch talking about his ole mom, and not in a happy way.

I’m pretty sure this is a constant for all parents. I’m sure my neighbor spent some time crying in the bathroom at work this morning, hating herself for losing it this morning and wondering if her kid now needs therapy. I’m equally sure that her kid has forgotten all about it already.

Although I’m guessing that in therapy, at least some of the time, my son would be talking about…

3) The Ex. Oh, how he irritates me, let me count the ways… No, I’ll spare ya’ll. I don’t want to scorch your delicate eyes. And I’m not sure the Cosmic Innernetting can handle that much profanity. Breathe a sigh of relief, you have been spared! And pity Anna-Liza, who gets to hear about this way too often and is still amazing patient about it, after all these years.

Although lately, I’ve also been irritated at:

4) Strangers. Bitching loudly in the elevator. Almost running me over in the hallway. Being nasty to their loved ones in the grocery store. Otherwise behaving badly, until one wishes that Miss Manners would just materialize out of the air and smack their collective hands.

And as a subset of this category, I get irritated at…

5) Other drivers. Why must they all drive like idiots and/or maniacs? Why, George, why? Per George Carlin, everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and everyone who drives faster is a maniac. Why oh why must they honk their horns and scream out the window at each other?

Because I have problems with…

6) Noise. I have very sensitive hearing. My mom used to say I was too tender. I’m a delicate flower of the South, ya’ll. All my senses are extra sensitive – which does have advantages, wink wink nudge nudge… But I digress…

At home, I am bombarded by the roar of leaf blowers, airplanes, construction, and the freeway. At work at Cubicles R Us, I can hear five conversations at any given time. I hear the keyboard clacking, coffee slurping, and paper shuffling of a dozen people.

Which leads to…

7) Co-workers. Have you noticed? There is always someone who is compelled to tell you that whatever you are eating at your desk is The Worst Possible Food in the History of Eating. Always someone who must tell you exactly how the Evil Soft Drinks are Destroying Your Body. Thank you, it’s my body; now shut up!

There is always someone who won’t stop talking about their Exotic Vacation. Jealous much? Always someone who makes a thousand personal phone calls a day. Always someone who talks about their Awesome Concert Tickets, their Amazing Shopping Spree, and their Latest Incredible Purchase. Yes, obviously, I am jealous much. But some of this stuff is just rude.

And that leads to…

8.) Money, lack of. No matter how I scrimp, no matter how much yarn/books/tickets/etc. I do not buy, no matter how long I go without a vacation (two years and 9 months now… not that I’m keeping track or anything…) – my finances never seem to get better. I know, I know. I’m not the only one dealing with this. How about a big group ARGHHH!!

And lack of money connects directly to…

9) Graduate school. Can’t afford to go this year. My class will graduate without me. My friends will move on. I will have to go through my second year with strangers. And I’m not sure when it will happen. I’m working on accepting this gracefully, but the grace, she is not here…

See Gene Wilder’s freak-out in Young Frankenstein, which ends with him collapsing. Igor says, “Quiet grace and dignity, right.” The freak-out – that’s me.

And I really need the focus of school, and the healing from it, because of…

 10) Perimenopause. Yeah. I am the quintessential Hormonal Crazy Lady. I’m 47. I have told my body, “Look, we are not going to have any more children. We can shut down the production line. No more eggs, no more periods. It’s time to let it go.”

Instead, I get the Periods From Hell. Believe me, you don’t want to hear the gory details.

I’ve heard the solution to all this hormonal imbalance is lots of great sex. I’d love to try that theory out and report back. Oh, cabana boy…

Oh, the joys of womanhood.

I need a vacation from being me. Where the hell is that cabana boy?!?!!!

Instead, tonight I’ll be buying feminine hygeine supplies yet again, and going home to eat leftovers.

And my hair.


5 thoughts on “Pollyanna fights the Monday of Peril

  1. annaliza

    Ah yes, the perimenopause, she is so moody. I’m right there with ya, sister-girl. Let’s get our loyal readers to send us somewhere exotic for lots of hot cabana-boys and drinks, for a vacation from ourselves, as long as we promise to report back with photos. I’m sure they’d go for it!

  2. Marin

    Strangers, yes! Strangers suck! Strangers are one of my pet peeves — ‘specially when they’re Driving Strangers.

    Poor dear. My mom didn’t hit menopause until her mid-50s. I fear for my life and the lives of those around me if this shit is hereditary.

    I’m rooting for lots of great sex. For you, I mean. Not a selfish musing… a supportive cheer.

  3. lyda Post author

    Yeah, somewhere exotic… I fancy somewhere tropical. I agree, I’m sure our readers would support an Exotic Pollyanna Vacation. As long as we post lots of cabana boy pictures.

    Who knows, we might even get them to pose with yarn…

    Marin – Yeah, my mom’s menopause was a sight to see. From a safe distance.

    Thanks for the cheering. I’m rooting for lots of great sex too! For me, for you, for Anna-Liza… GREAT SEX FOR EVERYBODY!!

    Oh, cabana boys…

  4. Jane

    I have had the most horrible day ever and I thank you for making me laugh out loud! But may I please add to the list….Smart-aleck, back talking, know-it-all teenagers!!! And – for help with those horrible periods – ask your doc about the estrogen patch – they are amazing!

  5. lyda Post author

    And yet again – COWORKERS WHO COMMENT ON THE FOOD YOU ARE EATING AND THE DRINK YOU ARE DRINKING!!!!! ARGGHHHHHH!!!! As long as I’m not eating arsenic and drinking lighter fluid (which I only do on my own time), SHUT UP!!! I am not interested in your opinions of what I am ingesting, and how you don’t eat/drink that.

    I have many flaws, but I like to think that RUDENESS is usually not one of them.

    Okay, better now…


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