Pollyanna and the Co-Workers of Doom

Lyda here. “The stories you are about to see are true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.” Seriously. All true. The last two are the best.

25 Annoying Things To Do At Work

1) Hunker down in one coworker’s cubicle and whisper – pretending that no one can hear you even though the cubicles are made of CLOTH and the dividing walls are only 5 feet high…

And they are made of CLOTH.

2) And when the coworker in the next cubicle stands up, thus able to see you in all your whispering glory – stand up, stop talking, and rush back to your own cubicle. Don’t talk to that coworker the rest of the day.

3) Remember, it’s all about you.

  • Make a mess in the kitchen area and walk away.
  • Jam the copier and walk away.
  • Put your banana peel in the paper recycling bin and your paper in the garbage.
  • Arrive for the office baby shower / birthday / retirement party without a gift or potluck dish. Stand in the way of coworkers who are setting up. Eat lots of food. Leave your plate, chicken bones and all, on the table. Walk out, brushing past the coworkers who are cleaning up.

4) Say “Shit!” and hit the “Close” button when a coworker approaches the elevator.

5) Spend all morning loudly talking about your lunch plans with other coworkers. Tell everyone to gather at your cubicle. Laugh and talk as you leave – – and then, only then, turn to the coworker in the cubicle next to yours and say, “You don’t want to come, do you?”

6) Make frequent personal phone calls, so that all coworkers around you know everything about your relationships, your family’s health, your dating disasters, and your finances.

7) Tell your lover to send her/his highly-perfumed letters to you at the office, so neither of your spouses suspect. Meanwhile, present yourself as a model of fundamentalist Christian rectitude. Frequently criticise public figures and coworkers who may be having sex outside of marriage. Pontificate about the sin of divorce and infidelity.

Ignore the fact that your divorced coworker actually sorts the mail and puts yours on your desk.

And is not an idiot.

8.) When a coworker arrives a few minutes late, greet them loudly so that everyone – especially the boss – knows what time they came in. Optional: look at the clock, shake your head, and make a note on your list.

Even though you are NOT the boss.

Even though the slightly-late coworker is YOUR boss.

Bonus points for doing this with a coworker who is on a different work schedule than you, and thus is not actually late.

9) Cry gustily at your desk. Frequently. Leave your desk often to talk to friends about your problems. Refuse to accomplish any work because your life is just so hard. Be rude to coworkers who pick up the slack. Be surprised when your supervisor calls you on this.

10) Upon meeting your new supervisor, tell them that you should have been promoted to their job. Pretend you do not hear this upstart when they speak to you. Refuse to do anything they tell you to do.

Escalate from there.

11) Harass a subordinate until they transfer. Blame their supervisor (who reports to you and has been trying to protect the subordinate from your harassment even though HR doesn’t give a shit). Be sure to lower their rating on their annual review because of this.

12) Ask stupid questions in meetings. Argue with the coworker who answers your stupid questions. Even if it is your boss. Bore everyone by insisting on reading aloud your long pointless stupid reports.

Repeat, so that all meetings are twice as long as scheduled and four times as long as needed.

13) Point out to your boss that the department has too many people. Suggest specific coworkers to lay off.

Loudly.

With the office door is open.

14) Complain that the snacks for the meetings are always cookies and donuts and they are BAD.

Complain when there are no cookies or donuts at the next meeting.

15) Spend every day snubbing your coworkers and not answering their work-related requests. Then throw a huge hissy fit when they don’t invite you to share the birthday cake.

16) Eat loudly and constantly at your desk in Cubicle Land. Eat things that smell… odd…

17) Insist that everything your coworker eats and/or drinks is killing them RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR BODY!!! Um, I may have mentioned this one before. Once. Or twice.

18.) Go to work even though you are deathly ill. Spend all day coughing, sneezing, wheezing, whining, hacking, spitting, and bitching – the 7 Dwarves of Illness. Blow your nose loudly and frequently at your desk.

Refuse to go home, even when the boss insists. Even when the boss’s boss insists.

19) Enter a coworker’s cubicle and stand right behind their chair, so they cannot turn to face you or even move. Put your hand on the back of their chair, causing them to jerk backwards.

Bonus points if you know that your coworker has a medical condition that makes this extremely painful.

20) Use way too much perfume / cologne. Be sure to apply it in the elevator, the bathroom – or right in your cubicle.

Alternatively, do not bathe. Ever. Until your coworkers can not enter your cubicle because of the smell. Until they rise up and force your boss to confront you.

21) Always use the speaker phone. Dial while on speaker phone. Let the busy signal go on for at least a minute before you disconnect.

22) Receive frequent cell phone calls at work. Be sure to have your ringer turned up as loud as possible, so that your coworkers can hear “Boogie Nights” many times a day.

23) Hold loud conversations in the aisles and halls. Hold conference calls in an office but don’t close the door.

Bonus points if you tell dirty jokes in more than one language.

24) Clip your fingernails over the trashcan in the bathroom.

25) Clip your fingernails at your desk…

In your tiny cubicle.

Where your coworkers can hear every click of the clippers.

And every ping of nails flying across the room and hitting a cubicle wall.

Shudder.

Why, yes, I have worked with some charming people in my time. Why do you ask?

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4 thoughts on “Pollyanna and the Co-Workers of Doom

  1. KarenM.

    Holy crapola…we have worked together I am sure of it. You described at least half of my coworkers.. only you missed that the guy who clips his nails also uses his electric razor in his cube… he was once my neighbor, but I got to MOVE becasue of new hires and now I am the proud owner of a window cube 🙂

    Reply
  2. lyda Post author

    Congrats on the window cube! And electric razor in his cube – ewww! People, personal grooming is supposed to be PRIVATE!

    Reply
  3. Marin

    I am completely guilty of number 18 — all but the last line.

    However, I have never done any of the others.

    I think my percentage is pretty good.

    Reply

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