It sure feels like this search is endless. Haven’t found the place yet. Heck, it’s not like I have to move next week or anything.
Wait… I DO have to move next week.
I hit the rental ads again today. Spoke to a lot of people, but no one with an immediately available apartment in my price range that takes cats. Left some messages. I have two leads – one nearby, one a distance away. Hopefully I’ll be able to see these places and apply tomorrow or Monday. Nothing more I can do today, so I’m doing this post instead.
It’s looking bad for keeping the cats at this point. I cannot even talk about how bad I feel about that, how sad and guilty and lonely it makes me feel. And if I can’t keep them, what will happen to them?
And I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find anyone who will take me because of my credit history and my situation with my current landlord.
And in the midst of all of this, my body is freaking out. I’m having a huge fibromyalgia flare-up which is causing me a lot of pain, loss of sleep, and screwing up my digestive process (I will spare you the details).
And my right knee and my right achilles tendon have been excruitatingly painful for the last two weeks and have practically refused to work at all.
Which could be related to the fibromyalgia. Or it could be the extra physical exertion. Or the stress. Or the lack of sleep. Or something as yet undiagnosed because I haven’t had the time / energy / courage to make a doctor’s appointment about it.
Or it could be all of the above.
To add to the overwhelm, my *expletive deleted* current landlord just stopped by with another *expletive deleted* letter in a sealed envelope. Which so far has been the opposite of good news. I’m afraid to open it, and so I’m beating myself up for being afraid, and for not opening it, and for even being in this *expletive deleted* situation which was totally created by my own stuff.
A lot of beating myself up is going on.
Yet there is a tiny voice inside saying that opening it tomorrow – when my son can hold my hand and my brother and my BF will probably both be available by phone for support – will not make any difference in the cosmic scheme of things.
And also it is totally okay that I can’t spell “scheme” today without looking it up. Edited on 12/31 to add: I finally looked it up and corrected the spelling – I was spelling “scheme” as “squeem” – which dictionary.com says isn’t a word. Apparently it is a brand of shapewear. Rubber underwear. Curiouser and curiouser. And have you noticed, the models never look as though they need this kind of support wear? Not that anyone really needs it. It can’t be good for your internal organs, being that squashed.
But I digress…
And it is okay that my heart is pounding just a bit about all of this.
Okay, a lot.
Trying not to go into a full panic attack.
Breathe. Think of something else. Listen to happy son killing zombies with his friend on his new game. Look at adorable cats curled up and sleeping on packing paper. Remember that it will all work out okay somehow.
It’s okay that I don’t know how it will work out. It’s okay that I’m scared. It’s okay that I want to distract myself for tonight and deal with it when I’m rested and fed and have support. It’s okay that I don’t know where I’m moving yet.
And so I interrupt this post with happy things.
I spent Xmas Eve and Xmas morning with the Resident Sith Master. We had a great time, both of us enjoying our presents and not minding at all that there were not more. He got me two videos – one for my birthday which I opened early so the present doesn’t get lost in the move: the new Star Trek movie, and “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” (1993). He went to his dad’s before lunch, and I was happy because he goes to his dad’s happily now and I’m so pleased that their relationship is in such a great place.
I settled down to a day of watching TV and eating chocolate. In my robe. Watched some of “Fido” and some old Sherlock Holmes movies, and some “Clean House” and some of just whatever I wandered across. I took a short nap, even. RSM surprised me by coming home for dinner – I wasn’t expecting him back until this morning – and we had a nice relaxed evening and watched more TV together.
Today I spent some quality time killing zombies with RSM, and then listening to him play with Second Son who lives in New York. And now listening to him play with his friend who’s home from college for the holidays.
Just being in the same space with my son is the best thing ever.
And I spent some quality time today catching up on the blogs on our blogroll, which are funny and insightful and informative and touching and… Y’all are just fabulous!
I spent some quality time petting each cat. Ditto laughing at their antics.
I spent some wonderful time talking with Gorgeous and Available Engineer Brother, which is always quality time. I spent great time yesterday talking with Gorgeous and Younger Brother, which is also always quality time.
And yesterday, Anna-Liza and I had a fantastic and long conversation which was the best present she could ever give me – herself.
So, the wonderful still and always outweighs the ick.
Tomorrow is another day.
And, no matter what, it will all be okay.