And by “tries to stay calm” I mean, “restrains herself from throwing herself bodily on people and pummeling them until the cops arrive.”
Humans get on my nerves.
- What they do: Allowing their personal cell phone to ring on and on and on… while having extremely loud annoying music, sounds, or whistling as the ring tone.
- What I hear: “I want everyone to think I’m popular. But I’m really so. very. lonely.”
- Having very long and very loud personal phone conversations.
- “Discretion? Isn’t that somewhere in Lithuania?”
Discretion is not in Lithuania. Everyone knows it’s in Santa Cruz. But I digress…
- Caller: “Can I speak to George?” (call is transferred to George)
- Less than one minute later: “Can I speak to George?” (call is transferred to George again)
- Another minute later: “Can I speak to George?”
- “I am uncomfortable with new-fangled technology like voice messages and tetanus shots. Perhaps I can have my manservant bring George an illuminated manuscript.”
- Voice message: “Hey, this is Jeff. Call me back.”
- “Dude, I am so stoned I don’t even realize I’m calling an office. Righteous!“
- “Hi, I’m returning a call. I don’t know who called me.”
- “I’m bored. Let’s play Twenty Questions.”
- “Hi, I got a missed call from this number?”
- My life is so empty…
My response to all this? HULK SMASH. But only in my mind.
And one thing that usually rolls right off my back but right now is “pound these people into the dirt for me, Hulk”-able:
- Misspelling my name in an email reply. It’s a small company. I have worked here almost five years. Plus, you are replying to an email I sent you that has my name at the bottom.
- Reading. It’s a job skill I do not have.
And yes, by new Pollyanna decree, any phrase can be turned into an adjective by adding “-able” to it. As in:
Today I feel all “set the Zombie Army on them”-able.
Also, the spell check refuses to believe that “new-fangled” is a word. I’ll have to send an illuminated manuscript to that company.
I’ll have the zombies deliver it now. (That link is for Zombieland. See Zombieland. They aren’t paying me to say that or anything.)
Obviously these people in the movie don’t know that the zombies are just trying to deliver the manuscript. Stop shooting my zombies, people!
Maybe they need some caffeine. I’ll have the zombies bring some coffee mugs too.
There I go, digressing again…
A study shows that the taste of beer excites the brain and stimulates the desire for more. As if we didn’t all know that already. This excitement did not happen with water or sports drinks.
But the real news from this study is that this reaction is stronger in those with a family history of alcoholism – which is something scientists did not know. This study only used beer; they extrapolated that it would hold for other alcoholic drinks.
Another study shows that middle-age people who drink in moderation have a better “quality of life” than those who either abstain, or drink more than 14 drinks a week (more than three a day for women and four a day for me). Subjects in this study were middle-aged, so this may not hold for older or younger folks. The study shows that when these subjects stopped drinking, their quality of life went down – but it did not take into account other factors, such as illness or decreased social activity, that led to the subject’s abstinence.
Yet another study shows that people drink alcohol at a slower pace when they drink from a straight glass rather than a curvy glass. Apparently, people are not good at judging how much is left in the glass when the glass is curvy. This makes it harder to pace their drinking.
You may note that the links to these studies are to reports from British sources, which could affect the outcomes. Drinking in English pubs is a social activity, which would affect quality of life differently than drinking at home alone.
So – to drink or not to drink? And if drinking, how much?
It all depends. On your preference, your family history, your health… and, it turns out, the shape of your glasses.
If you do drink, have a designated driver.
Or the Zombie Army will come for you.
I’m unleashing the Zombie Army on the next person who says “in regards to.”
What they mean… well, how do I know? Their woolly minds are a mystery to me. And I don’t mean “woolly” in a wonderful fiber-related alpaca-like way. Just in case you were wondering. But I digress…
I’m guessing that they are trying to say “referring to” or “concerning,” per this definition. In which case, they could say:
- In regard to
- With regard to
- As regards
Or they could just say “concerning.” Which might be a word they could use correctly. Maybe. Possibly. Perhaps.
By using “in regards to,” what they are actually saying is:
- I’m trying – and failing – to sound intelligent.
- My education was a failure.
- I can’t write properly either.
- I’m too pompous to speak plainly.
- I’m too dumb to check with Dr. Grammar.
And as of now they are saying:
- Please send the Zombie Army to consume me immediately.
Just a quick check in before I fly off to Seattle tomorrow. I’m only going overnight – an extravagance that I would never indulge in on my own. But Gorgeous and Younger brother insisted that I visit, and since he used his frequent flyer miles for the ticket, I realized – as always when younger brother has his mind set on something – resistance is futile.
The Zombie Army will of course be traveling in the baggage compartment. I hope the baggage handlers are quick on their feet, or there could be unplanned snacks for the horde.
But before I fly, I had to share with you this gem from a work email I just got, saying that a workshop will be great for parents, and I quote:
“and will be a great way to support that new mussel that we are developing.”
I’m glad our baby shellfish will get the support they need.
Just how do you support mussels? Create a “wine sauce free” zone?
Mmm… wine sauce…
Weirdness – It’s the only way to fly!
It’s National Literacy Day.
Go read something.
Oh wait, you are reading, aren’t you?
That was easy…
I hereby grant you permission to celebrate this day all month long.
Now that you’ve got more time, here are some things you can do to celebrate:
- Read to a child.
- Go to a hospital or nursing home and read to someone there.
- Donate some books.
- Have a book swap with some friends – each of you brings all the books you’re done with, and everyone picks what they want to read. Any leftovers get donated.
- Have a donate-books get-together.
- Create a book drop at work, so your coworkers can donate books easily.
- Join or start a book club. My office has one that meets once a month at lunchtime. We talk about the book we read, vote on suggestions for the next one, and then just talk about books.
- Go to the library. Fill up your book bag with goodies.
- Check this out: ways to help improve literacy.
- Thank a teacher for teaching reading.
- Thank your parents for encouraging you to read.
- Get a head-start on your holiday shopping. This year, give books.
- Write your own book. Or a story. Or a poem. Or lyrics. Don’t tell me you can’t write. Anyone can write really bad county song lyrics – which would be a fun drunken-knitting-night activity, come to think of it.
Reminds me, I need to find some drunk knitters to hang out with.
But I digress.
Once you’ve done all that, how about joining me in this year’s Reading Challenge? I’ve read a bunch of books, I just need to blog about them all… Or go retro and try last year’s Reading Challenge.
Got to go. It’s time to read to the Zombie Army.
They like a nice story before they lurch off into the night…
Lyda here. So much craziness goin’ on!
On the work front. Oh, y’all really do not want to hear about that!
On the home front. Still looking for a different room to rent, and meanwhile trying to avoid the bugs and random people wandering around the place.
In my own mind. Ah, the craziest place of all!
And I still have homework to do & turn in before Sept. 1.
Without the cosmic innernetting at home, I have little time to write.
But I want y’all to know that I’m thinking of you.
And so is the Zombie Army.
Back, zombies, back! We don’t eat our loyal readers’ brains!
Lyda here. Just a quick post so y’all won’t call out the National Guard to look for me. ‘Cause I’d hate for the Zombie Army to eat the National Guard’s brains.
Although it looks like they got some of the former National Guards already…
Sorry. Ancient political joke. But I digress…
I’ve been busy at work for many boring reasons, and I don’t have a connection to the Cosmic Innernets at home. I haven’t even set up my computer or unpacked my fabric, which shows you my ambivalence about my current dwelling. “Clean and quiet” are the opposite of what this place is, and y’all know that is not working for the Queen of the Cleaning Obsession.
If school wasn’t coming towards me like a freight train, I’d be out looking for a new home. I will be looking for a new place as soon as the week of school is over.
I went and got a PO box this weekend. If I’m going to be moving around like a gypsy, at least my mail can have a semi-permanent home.
And if I’m going to be a gypsy, when do I get the big skirts and huge hoop earrings? There should be some benefits to this nomadic life.
I thought about training the Zombie Army to eat tiny, barking, non-house-trained dogs * – I was told there were no pets living in the house – and people who yell at each other at 2 a.m. on a weeknight.
But who knows what diseases my zombies would catch?
Even zombies have to have standards.
* I’m kidding about the zombies eating the dogs.